Still breathing
by yetanotherside
Summary: Gap filler for Agron and Nasir between episodes 9 and 10 of "War of the Damned". Agron has survived the cross and is reunited with Nasir but having had nails through his hands is nothing that can be brushed aside easily.


**A/N:** So I was listening to Skindive's "No More Good Guys" the other day. There are the lines_ I died today/but I'm still breathing/bleeding for now/I'm broken_ in it (that's also where the title comes from), that had me thinking about Agron after surviving the crucifixion. I had to get it out of my head and this is how it turned out.

* * *

**Still breathing  
**

There was this moment of peace where everything was as it should be and his body did not remember the blade in his flesh or the fists on his skin and most of all not the fucking nails through his hands. This one short, precious, wonderful moment right after waking up before it all came flooding back and he was in pain again. Agron had had his share of wounds and he had thought he knew what pain was. He had come to realize that he had not. Nothing would ever compare to the feeling of the nails being driven into his palms. To the truth in the Roman cunt Caesar's voice that if he survived this he would never hold a sword again, that if he lived he would be broken and useless. And useless he was. Without Nasir's help he could do almost nothing.

Nasir. Agron repositioned himself on the bed and did not feel his lover at his side. Where was he? Slowly he opened his eyes and sat up, every motion pulling painfully at some part of his body. Was there even one that did not hurt? It did not take long for him to see why Nasir was no longer in their bed. It was day, the sun must have risen hours ago and no one had deemed it necessary to rouse him. There was no purpose for him anymore. He got up, determined not to lie around uselessly but once standing he did not know what to do. He could not go and help with the training, he could not hunt and Spartacus seemed to favour brooding over his plans alone rather than seeking advice from a trusted brother. Agron clenched his fists in frustration and winced. Fucking wounds!

"Agron!"

He turned and saw Nasir standing in the entrance to their tent, a smile on his lips and food in his hands. Agron could feel his expression soften despite himself. All he had thought about when he had been hanging on that cross was Nasir. His voice and face and touch. The smile after a night of passion and his laugh. The way his body had felt and how he would discover all the spots that made him moan with pleasure. How they had kissed and embraced before parting ways. He had not expected to set eyes again upon him in this life. All the more he cherished every second now.

"I awoke absent your company."

"Apology. I was needed."

It seemed everybody was needed but him. He could hear the camp bustling outside the tent. "You should have woken me."

"I would have you rest as much as possible. Wounds need time and rest to heal." Nasir approached him and placed a soft kiss on his lips. "Lesson learned with own body not so long ago."

Agron's eyes went to the scar over Nasir's ribs. The time he had thought he might lose him at the foot of Vesuvius in the temple ruin probably were the only moments he had felt an agony comparable to the one on the cross. Even though it had been completely different. He nodded.

"You speak with reason."

Nasir looked satisfied and sat down on the bed, gesturing for Agron to join him. When he did he pushed a bowl into his hands. "Eat."

"You should give food to man more deserving."

"You are most deserving."

"I am not." Agron looked down at his bandaged hands holding the bowl. Even this seemingly simple task was difficult. If he put too much pressure in it his arms would start to shake, if the grip was not tight enough the thing would fall to the floor. Nasir had apparently thought about it for the bowl contained some sort of broth. Something he could drink not needing a spoon or knife. He would not have been able to hold these utensils anyway and he refused to be fed like a babe. Nasir would have done it. Agron was sure about it but he could not have borne the shame. "I am broken."

"Broken?" Nasir seemed to be genuinely surprised at the word.

"I cannot grab sword or hold knife. I cannot train or hunt or deliver fucking Romans to the afterlife." He knew he had no other skills. It was as he had told Nasir, blood and battle were all he had ever known. "I am but fucking burden."

"Agron." Nasir put down his bowl and Agron did the same but he only looked up when Nasir moved so close to him he could feel his breath on his face. The soft expression in Nasir's eyes warmed his heart. "Do not speak such words and banish them from mind. You are no burden. You are most beloved heart that beats outside own chest. When I thought you lost I … I …" When Nasir's voice broke Agron thought his heart broke a little too. "The Gods returned you to my arms. It is gift not burden."

"Words lift spirit and heart swells but…"

"No," Nasir interrupted him firmly. "No but."

Agron sighed. There was much he would have liked to say but he knew the look on Nasir's face that would allow no discussion. Sure enough Nasir pushed the bowl back into his hands. "Now eat."

They sat in silence for a while, shoulder touching arm. Agron revelled in the simple touch. When he had moved against Rome with Crixus he had missed these little pleasures as much as the heated passion. Leaving Nasir behind had been the most difficult thing he had ever done but at the time he had only seen two possible paths: follow Spartacus and flee with Nasir at his side or join Crixus without him. The promise of blood and battle had been too alluring but even then he had known that moving against Rome herself was akin to a suicide mission. He could not drag Nasir along. He had barely survived Duro's death. Nasir was the new reason in his life and he would much rather watch him live from the afterlife than have him join him there. Agron knew Nasir would have grieved his passing but he was young and strong and would have found happiness again. Maybe with the fucking Cicilian pirate. No matter how much he denied it. Alone at night with nothing but his thoughts for company he had questioned this decision though and hanging on the cross he had come to realize his mistake.

"Come," Nasir finally broke the silence and stood up, extending a hand to Agron. "I would desire help in training."

"Help with training?" He held up his hands. "Nasir, you know I cannot." Agron hated the thought but he had to admit that he was of no use. He could grab neither sword nor shield and he could not move as fast as he would have liked to. He would be bested by even the most unskilled of the new recruits in a matter of seconds and he did not wish to be humiliated in front of everyone.

"You do not need sword to give assistance. You need only eyes to see and voice to give command."

Agron hesitated. He saw the words for what they were: an attempt to make him feel better and give him a purpose. He was not needed in this. Nasir was a skilled fighter and he could detect mistakes himself. He had shown this ability in the past and only asked for his help to prove a point. This was not what Agron wanted. He wanted no pity. He wanted his hands back as they had been, strong and able. For a moment he felt the desire to throw something through the tent but as he looked around he could see nothing that would lend itself to the purpose. Nothing his hands could hold firmly enough. It made him feel both angry and defeated at the same time and he did not know what to do with these emotions but to make a frustrated sound.

"So you would deny me pleasure of your company?"

"Deny you pleasure?" Agron could not help but chuckle at Nasir's teasing sound of voice. There was not a hint of pity in it, only a genuine wish to spend time with him. "Never. I am yours to command, little man."

"Then I would have most desired lips on mine before returning to task."

That Nasir did not even comment on being called "little man" told Agron enough. He was being humoured but for once he did not care as long as Nasir stood before him with this expression in his eyes that spoke so much more than any words ever could. Agron took Nasir's face into his hands, pulled him close and kissed him. Slowly and deliberately at first but when Nasir leaned into his body the kiss quickly became more heated, both of them breathing heavily when they pulled apart. Smiling at each other they put their foreheads together. Agron inhaled Nasir's scent and all thoughts of his useless hands vanished from his mind for a few blissful seconds.

"Was this as desired?"

"Better. I will see it continued when night falls."

"Sun cannot set soon enough." Agron pulled him into another kiss, one forearm resting in the small of his back, holding him as close as he possibly could. "Not soon enough."

"Let us see time pass more quickly with task to distract mind."

He nodded and followed Nasir outside.

* * *

Nasir concentrated on the steady breathing in his neck. Thanks to Spartacus he was relieved of keeping watch at night as long as Agron was still recovering. In: Agron's chest widened against his back. Out: Agron's warm breath caressed his skin. In, out, in and out again. He wondered how long it would stay this way and when the nightmares would start this time. As always Agron was wrapped around him, hands folded over his navel, one leg over his thigh, a foot hooked between his legs. _This is home_, Nasir thought. Not a villa or a tent or a city. Lying in Agron's arm, feeling safe and secure was home. In the dark the bandages around Agron's palms looked even more unusually white against Nasir's skin. When his eyes fell upon them he found himself in the situation to curse and thank the Gods at the same time. They had brought Agron back to him but they had been cruel too and returned a man that was but a shadow of the warrior that had set out to reduce Rome to ashes. Mostly he thanked them though because it still was Agron: his gladiator, his anchor, his heart. His to hold and kiss and touch again. Agron's heart beat against Nasir's back. _Da-dum, da-dum, da-dum._ How he had missed this in the lonely nights of separation. _Da-dum, da-dum, da…_

Agron stirred and Nasir held his breath. _Do not let it be nightmare. Dear Gods, please. Do not let it be haunting of past._ He prayed to the heavens to grant Agron one full night of sleep. But the Gods had no more favours to give. They had listened to his pleading and brought his heart back. He should have been content with their gift and not ask for more. He was grateful but when Agron was pained by his memories he could not help turning to the Gods again even though he had long learned that they were fickle.

Nasir could feel Agron's breath become irregular and his hands starting to shake. Slowly he stroked over his arms and leg, whispering comforting words but when Agron started to mumble unintelligibly he knew that he would not just slip into quieter sleep again. Not without more help. In a matter of seconds Agron had disentangled himself and started to toss and turn. Nasir sighed. There was only one thing he could do now. With some effort he got hold of Agron's arms and rolled him on his back, pushing down with his weight, trying to cover as much of Agron's body as possible with his own. He put a hand on his cheek, caressing the tense facial muscles. Agron was already bathed in cold sweat and struggled under him.

"You are safe, Agron," he whispered, brushing his ear with his lips. "It is me: Nasir. I am here. I am here. I am here. No one can hurt you now." Over and over again he repeated reassuring words, he doubted it really mattered what he said as long as his voice was soothing. He did not stop caressing Agron's face until finally he calmed down and opened his eyes.

"Nasir?" He sounded disoriented but Nasir felt Agron's features relax under his fingers and his body ceasing to struggle. That was a good sign.

"I am here. Dreams troubled sleep." Nasir leaned his forehead against Agron's. "But it is over. I am here."

"You are here," he repeated, the relief in his voice was unmistakeable as his arms closed behind Nasir's back, pulling him even closer. A weak smile tugged at his lips. "I am in your arms."

Nasir smiled back at him. "I will never let you leave them again."

"I would be fool to try."

They moved back to their previous sleeping position. Agron pressed Nasir firmly against him as if he feared he would dissolve into air any minute and placed kisses in his neck and on his shoulders, murmuring words into his hair Nasir did not understand.

"Hm?"

"I woke you."

"Yes," Nasir lied. He had not even slept in the first place but he knew that was not what Agron needed to hear right now. Sleep did not come easily since Agron had been returned to him. First he had felt the need to be sure that his love really was back, that he did not imagine him lying there and touching him. Then Agron's exhaustion and comatose sleep had started to wane and the nightmares begun. Without questioning it he had found himself watching over him.

"Apologies."

"Shh." Nasir shook his head and turned in Agron's arms to kiss him. "Shh. It is of no matter. Find sleep again."

It took a long time before he could feel the steady rhythm of breathing again but eventually he sensed Agron's chest rising and falling regularly. Hopefully that would be it for the night. He could never know. The nightmares came in varying intensity and frequency. Sometimes he woke only once, sometimes four or five times, very rarely he only stirred a little and could be calmed with loving touch. So far it had been a good night. It had been the first time Agron's sleep had been disturbed and it had been relatively easy to calm him again.

The very first time Nasir had been lost. Neither caresses nor his voice had helped. Agron usually just embraced him when his own nightmares plagued him, held him tight and the warmth of his body and his loving touch were enough to sooth Nasir. He could not hold Agron the same way. Even in his sleep the gladiator was so much stronger and would wrest himself free. It had been a desperate attempt to stop him from lashing about and maybe hurting himself when Nasir had pinned him down one night with all his force. It was probably the weight on Agron's chest that did the trick. Nasir was not sure but he did not care, he was glad to have found a way to stop a nightmare once it had taken hold. He only wished to not wake him in the process. On the other hand, Agron would otherwise wake up from his own screaming. This was the better way.

* * *

"Medicus wishes to see you."

Agron shook his head in a silent _No_. He had no desire to pay a visit to the man. His wounds were healing just fine without him. Most of them at least. His bruises were fading and the cuts over his chest and side had started to close. But these were injuries that did not give him pause much more. If it had not been for his hands he would have considered himself healed. So no, he did not want to see the medicus, he did not need the man to tell him that he still had a long way ahead of him and that he would never get his hands back the way they had been before. He saw and felt this every day.

"On the morrow then." When Nasir pushed him down to sit on the bed and placed a little jar and a bundle of cloth next to him Agron knew that he had already expected this reply and smiled. Sometimes he thought the man knew him better than he knew himself. "Bandages still need changing. I will see it done."

Agron could not reasonably protest this. He knew that if he ever wanted his hands to regain some utility he had to tend to the wounds. If they got infected and started to fester he might lose them altogether and that would be his death. At times he thought it would have been better to have died on that fucking cross to be reunited with Duro and wait for his love in the afterlife. Maybe he was still dying. A slow death, fading a bit every day and all that was keeping him in this life were Nasir's smile and touch.

Nasir did not deserve this life, taking care of him like he was a sickly child, forcing him to eat, watching over his sleep, chasing away the nightmares while he could have been outside doing things more useful. He could have trained or hunted or joined the other men in laughter. He could have lived. But Agron did not have the strength to push him away and relieve him of the burden he was. He needed Nasir in every way imaginable. Besides, Nasir would not let himself be pushed anyway, he had made this very clear more than once.

He was so lost in his thoughts that he did not even notice Nasir had already taken care of his chest until he carefully removed the bandages around his palms and exposed the tender flesh underneath. There was no doubt about the torture they had endured. Agron flexed his fingers as he knew this would bring a smile to Nasir's face. The medicus had deemed it a wonder that he was still able to move all ten of them, expressing a firm belief that he would be able to hold a sword sometime in the future – a distant future it seemed – and encouraged him to practice the flexibility of his fingers as often as possible. It was painful but Agron complied even though he hardly saw the point in it. There was so little improvement and he still could not do much. Everything bigger and heavier than a bowl of soup was nigh impossible to hold. The same was true for everything much smaller. Spoons had proved to be the most difficult. When Nasir washed and dried his hands Agron tried not to show his discomfort but flinched anyway.

"Apologies."

"None needed." He smiled reassuringly as Nasir put some herbal ointment over the wounds and wrapped them in clean cloth, securing it the way the medicus had shown him. As much as he hated to feel like a burden, there was – besides the medicus and that was only out of necessity – no one else Agron would have let touch the wounds.

"Gratitude."

"Wounds fare well," Nasir remarked a little while later when they were lying on their bed, him resting on Agron's chest, their fingers intertwined. Agron had his back against the wall and his eyes closed. He did not know why he felt this tired. The day had been more or less the same as the ones before. There had been hardly anything for him to do and idly walking through the camp with no real purpose did not sit well with him. It made him angry and frustrated and without any outlet it led to a sort of exhaustion that was knew for him. He could not say he cared for it.

When Agron did not answer and only made a sound to acknowledge he had heard he could feel Nasir shift. He opened his eyes and looked directly into his lover's dark ones.

"You are not content with progress?" It was more a statement than a question and Agron was very much tempted to lie had he not known that Nasir would not have believed a single word. Still it was hard to voice the thoughts that never left him for long.

"It is too slow," he finally stated the obvious with a sigh. "Hands already are too long absent purpose."

"The medicus says you will grab sword again."

Nasir's optimistic tone of voice brought a smile to Agron's face for a moment. This was not the first time they talked about this and even Agron could see that his hands _were_ getting better at least a little. Still, he could not share Nasir's confidence.

"What if…"

"If," Nasir interrupted him, putting a finger over his lips, "sword remains too heavy for hands they will find new purpose equally important."

Nasir kissed him then, fingers trailing in his neck, sending soft shivers down his spine. Agron raised a hand to run his fingers through Nasir's hair and down his back. It was a movement he did without thinking but when Nasir made an almost purring sound under the touch he was immediately reminded that the fucking nails had not only robbed him of the ability to wield a weapon. They had taken something even more precious: sensation in his fingers. While his hands learned to hold and grasp again, his fingers were nearly numb and responded only to the strongest of impressions. He had not felt the movement that had elicited the content sound.

"Dark thoughts cloud mind. Speak and see them blown away." Of course Nasir noticed that his thoughts were not in the moment.

"I miss feeling of skin beneath my fingers," he confessed. No one knew when or if the sensation would ever return. The medicus had told him to be grateful for what he had and just take everything as it came. Easy for him to say. He was not deprived of feeling the wonderfully exciting body of his lover: the smooth skin over defined muscles, collecting scars and the thick hair falling to his shoulders, the goose bumps spreading and the sweat trickling down his spine, his cock hardening and swelling under the touch and fingers interlaced with his own. All of this and more had been taken from him and the fucking medicus told him to be patient.

"I know." Agron was glad Nasir did not try to offer comforting words. There were none. Nasir leaned into him, pushing him against the wall. "There are other parts that still feel," he added with a wicked smile, starting to remove his clothes but Agron grabbed a wrist, forcing him to pause. Nasir only looked at him with questioning eyes while Agron searched for words to express another notion that troubled his thoughts.

"I … wonder …" he stammered nervously. He usually was not shy and in the past had often spoken freely of the things he wanted to do with Nasir but this was a fear running deep. "I question ability to … I fear disappointing you with hands useless as woman's saggy breasts."

"Is that what troubles mind?" Nasir finished undressing him. "Concern is without cause. You forget you possess most skilful tongue and lips."

The wicked smile returned to his face as a hand travelled down along Agron's body. "And cock that ass has been absent of for too long."

They had not shared this most intimate experience since their reunion. Not that neither had felt the desire but much like the time Nasir had been wounded it was now Agron's body that betrayed them. Nasir had respected this. But now there was a longing in his voice that resonated deep in Agron. He wanted this as much as Nasir.

"A most grievous mistake," he answered and pulled him into a kiss, playfully tugging at Nasir's lower lip. "One we will see corrected."

"Cock swells with thought."

"Then see it freed from distracting garment." Agron would have liked to strip every last piece of fabric from Nasir's body but watching him do it was just as satisfying. With every inch of skin that became exposed his breath went a little quicker. Nasir was still the most beautiful man he had ever laid eyes upon, perfect from head to toe and he did not even seem to be aware of the fact. Once naked as the day he had been born he stretched alongside Agron and kissed him with the hunger of a starving man, allowing their bodies to touch ever so briefly before pulling back, their lips again the only parts in contact. This was not enough, he needed more. Nasir grinned against his mouth when Agron growled in protest.

"See? Other parts still respond to touch," he whispered teasingly, voice hoarse with passion and desire.

"Oh, you fucking little…" Agron rolled Nasir on his back, supporting himself on his elbows. Nasir's laughter turned into a helpless moan when Agron ground against him.

"Fuck," he hissed and it was Agron's turn to grin.

"Not yet."

"You would have me beg?"

"I would have this last a while longer." Slowly he dragged his tongue over Nasir's neck until he reached that spot right under his ear where his jawbone ended. Eagerly Nasir tilted his head to allow him better access and when Agron bit the tender flesh he gasped only to sigh as lips tenderly kissed the very same spot. Whatever he did there Agron could be sure to drive his lover mad and he took pleasure in it. "And yes, I would hear you beg," he added with a malicious smile.

Not that Nasir would ever find reason to really beg, whatever he wanted Agron was prepared to give freely and gladly. But teasing one another, delaying the satisfaction and then giving it all the more fervently was a delight beyond words. Agron moved to kiss Nasir on the lips. It was but a fleeting touch before he returned to the task of drawing sounds of pleasure from Nasir's mouth, biting and kissing, licking and nibbling until he had him squirming. It was only then that he gave any attention to Nasir's cock. He placed a tiny kiss on the tip and his tongue flickered over it for a moment. After a brief pause he repeated the motion. He could have done this a lot longer had it not been for Nasir impatiently thrusting his hips, wordlessly demanding more. Agron complied, delighting in the moaning and heavy breathing of his lover as he was being driven to the edge by his lips and tongue.

"Agron." Nasir's voice was a strained croak and he pulled at his hair. "Agron."

The urgency in his voice was all too familiar for Agron. Nasir would not last longer if he did not stop and the hand in his hair told him it was not what Nasir wanted. Agron claimed Nasir's lips again, biting and tugging until Nasir took his face into his hands, forcing him to still for a moment.

"I want you to make me come with cock. I need you inside me," he said panting heavily. "Now."

Well, it was not exactly begging but the words still sent a jolt of arousal through Agron. He could only nod and sit back while Nasir grabbed the oil and did the preparations. Fucking Gods, if that was not a sight to see! Nasir dipping his fingers into the oil, reaching behind himself, pushing in one, two, three fingers and smiling at him the whole time in anticipation. Finally he trickled some of the oil on Agron's cock and spread it with swift fingers. Agron arched into the touch, groaning and barely holding on to his sanity.

Moments later Nasir lay on his stomach, Agron over him burying his face in his hair, leaving marks in his neck and ever so slowly closing the distance that still remained between them. Preparations had been hasty and Agron took his time as not to hurt his love. Nasir, however, seemed to be impatient and pushed back, taking in the whole of Agron's cock in one move. For a moment the world stopped and Agron held his breath.

"Fick mich." Agron did not remember teaching Nasir those words but wherever he had them from, they had an immediate effect. He rolled to the side, taking Nasir with him and started slow, long and regular thrusts, knowing the steady rhythm would give pleasure to both but not cause them to spend too soon. Still, it was not long before Nasir reached back and dug his nails deep into Agron's thigh as he climaxed with a hiss. He turned a little to kiss Agron and the simple touch of lips was enough to bring Agron to completion as well. They stayed like this for a while, lazily kissing and caressing each other with Agron inside Nasir.

Eventually they moved to a more comfortable position, with Nasir's head resting on Agron's chest.

"When did you learn my tongue?"

"I did not. I but overhear words being spoken." Nasir kissed the scar above Agron's heart and nestled closer.

"What else can you say?"

"Mehr Wein. Trink mit uns. Fick deine Mutter. Den scheiß Römern soll der Schwanz abfallen."

Agron laughed heartily. This was exactly what his fellow German brothers were always shouting: demands for wine and rude curses. He had not expected Nasir to have picked up so many things. It was a pleasant surprise and he loved the sound of his native tongue coming from his lover's lips.

"Words full of truth," he smiled. "If not exactly fit for night of passion."

"And what is fit for moment like this?" Nasir asked, kissing him slowly.

"Mein Herz schlägt nur für dich." After a pause he added: "Du bist mein Herz."

"What meaning do words hold?"

"The truth. My heart beats for you alone," Agron answered. "You are my heart."

"And you will forever hold mine."

It was not until later when Agron felt sleep taking hold of him that he realized that he had not thought about his hands once during their lovemaking and silently thanked Nasir for giving him moments of feeling whole again.

"My love," he whispered, pulling Nasir closer, inhaling his scent, feeling the reassuring warmth of his body. "Mein Herz."


End file.
